Dear President Putin,
At the outset of this letter I must say that it may be totally unwarranted. Our President, intelligence services, and mainstream news media have all reported that you are responsible for hacking our recent election, consequently giving Donald Trump the presidency. We have substantial reasons to question that. As you know, those sources are totally politicized, and they are seeking to use this story to advance their political agenda. Therefore, we have good reason to doubt its validity.
I must admit that I also struggle with believing that you would work to throw the election in Donald Trump’s direction. Since rumor has it that you have used Hillary’s plastic reset button for skeet practice, one senses that you do not view her as an especially formidable opponent. In addition, it would have been to your advantage to have her in office as Obama’s third term to finish his project of destroying America. Therefore, I would be surprised if you would have done anything to undermine her campaign.
However, on further thought it occurred to me that just maybe even you thought the world might be better off if adults were in charge of the superpowers. Based on that assumption, let me proceed with my apologies and thanks.
First I must apologize for Obama’s slight to Russia in not including you in one of his apology tours. Certainly he could have fabricated some American fault for which he should have extended his mea culpa on our behalf.
Though I am late to the game, let me extend this one. I apologize for our news media portraying you as having “hacked” the election. This phraseology congers up the picture of KGB operatives tampering with voting machines. But as we drill down into the actual accusations being made, it becomes apparent that not even the sources cited above are accusing you of that, despite their best efforts to leave that impression with the American people. Therefore, please accept my deep apologies for this misrepresentation of your behaviors. As you know, these sources possess an expertise in propaganda that makes your own operatives jealous.
Now for the thanks. The extent of the gratitude of the American people has to be measured in light of our own incapacities. Even though Hillary Clinton engaged in criminal activity by intentionally, for political purposes and financial gain, doing classified State Department business over a private server, the FBI was not able to discover any criminal wrongdoing. It is hard to explain their expertise in discovering your wrongdoing in light of their corresponding incapacity to discover Hillary’s. Nonetheless, they seemed to be incapable of achieving that task. I want to thank you for employing your resources in order to achieve that objective after they had failed.
Likewise, the American mainstream news media, with all its Ivy League investigative journalists and vast amounts of money showed itself incapable of uncovering any wrongdoing by Hillary. I understand that Russia has fallen on hard times economically. Therefore, a special thanks is owed for your willingness to invest your limited resources in order to achieve this task that our substantially more affluent mainstream media failed to accomplish. Here again I am puzzled by the mainstream media’s ineptitude in identifying any wrongdoing by Hillary but readily discovering with high levels of confidence the behaviors of a foreign country. I can only conclude that their capacities are selective.
Above all, I want to thank you for your commitment to the democratic process. In an important election such as we have just undergone, it is important that the American people have all the facts. We are grateful that after the noted incapacity of American institutions to garner salient details regarding Hillary and her campaign, you took it upon yourself to glean that information for us. Your work has helped the American people make an informed decision at the ballot box. Perhaps you got wind of the problem in the previous election of the “low information voter,” and you wanted to prevent that from happening again. We are grateful.
Since even the sources named above do not contest the truths of the information you uncovered, and since I am sure they are committed to the American people possessing the truth, especially in regard to an election, though they have expressed their gratitude to you in rather cryptic terms, I am sure that when you cut through all the verbiage you will discover that what they are really trying to say is “thank you Pres. Putin for fully informing Americans so that they were able to make a good choice during the recent election.” I am writing to add my expression of gratitude to theirs.